CRAZY LOVE

Michael Bublé's new CD, Crazy Love, is fantastic. He is a wonderful musician. And if anyone out there is reading this blog, I HIGHLY suggest you take a little time and listen to it. It will put you in a happy place.

The song, Hold On, is pretty much the story of my life, too. Check out the lyrics.

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.

I guess that we were once, babe, we were once, 

but luck will leave you cursed, it

is a faithless friend, 

and in the end, when life has got you down, 

you've got someone here that you

can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight, 

hold on to me tonight.

We are stronger here together, 

than we could ever be alone.

So hold on to me, 

don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart, 

but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.

Maybe all the plans we made might not work out, 

but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.

I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.

Hold on, I promise it will be alright.

Cuz it's you and me together, 

and baby all we've got is time.

So hold on to me, 

hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.

Take a look at all we've got, 

and with this kind of love, 

and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.

Hold on, I promise it will be alright.

Cuz it's you and me together, 

and baby all we've got is time.

So hold on to me, 

hold on to me tonight.

Almost ready to move on the bigger and better things

I'm only in Winona for 3 more 'school' weeks and I'm very excited to leave. It is not that I haven't really made any friends while I've been here, I have, but this small town with no place for the arts has just made it difficult for me to find my niche. I will miss some of the people that I've come to know, but I probably will fail to keep in contact, just like with everyone else in the world that I have met.

I don't really have a problem with that, but my inability to keep in contact, I fear, is only burning bridges with the friendships I've had.

Whatever, I guess. I just get annoyed by people who are satisfied with their lives in one place, so when I get up and go places I just feel bad for them and don't keep in contact. whoops.

I've only been good at keeping in contact with Anders. I guess that is what love does to you.

Ninja

I haven't posted in a while, but all is well with me. Here is a picture of Lauren and I at a cast party for the WSU Musical Two by Two a few weeks back. The plans are Madison for this Halloween weekend and then only a few more weeks until Milwaukee will be greeted by my face.

pictures of myself over the last few years

Peter Gabriel's music is quite theraputic

The last few days have been sort of stressful for me, so I'm listening to Peter Gabriel to help calm me down. Classes haven't been extremely difficult, but trying to find out what to do next year isn't easy. Part of me is screaming to get out before I get caught in this trap of small town and seclusion, but there is a part of me that is aching to stay here. That part is my wallet.

Mom keeps telling me not to think about the money, but how can I not when the facts are as simple as this: (approx. per year)

My out of pocket tuition -> Winona $6,600 UWMadison~$18,000 UWM~$16,000
Anders' tuition* -> Winona $18,000 UWMadison ~$41,000 UWM~$32,000

*Anders' has the opportunity to get some money from the Norwegian government and there are a few scholarships available... but not to cover everything.

It's not like I'm entirely unhappy here. I just wish there were bigger buildings around here, more to do, harder classes, and more art programs to choose from. It's a decently good school, so maybe I can make it work.

All I really care about is that Anders and I will be in the same place studying to get our degrees so we can have a better life for us and out family someday. Is that too much to ask?

College Tests...

I found out my score today for my first college test... 38/38 baby!!! That's a 100%. I enjoy getting good grades, now I just hope I can keep it that way.

I joined the International Club and last night I went to the first meeting of the year. I came to a room full of smiles and foreign accents and skin colors. I was actually one of only three white people in the room. Most of the exchange students are from Taiwan, Bangladesh, and Nepal. I'd never met anyone from Bangladesh or Nepal before and they are two countries that I long to travel to. This guy from Spain wants to go there to go bungee jumping... I'm quite sure that I'm in.

While talking to these folks I experienced more of the international college experience. We talked about how they afforded to come here and most of them are only paying around $9,000 a year. That's $5,000 less than I am paying. There are multiple scholarships that Anders can pay for, so we're hoping he'll get some of them.

Anyways, I just ate a lot of goldfish and I don't feel so well. I'm gonna drink some orange juice to wash them down and then I'll be off early to bed. Good night!

Sugarloaf Bluff

Today some girls and I climbed up Sugarloaf bluff above Winona. We had PBJs and Jelly Bellys... tasty times. It was nice to have a little photo shoot as well.

Labor day weekend

The only things left on campus this weekend are... gnats. I didn't know that there existed so many gnats in this world. I bike to class, or just around, and i have to wear long pants and a sweatshirt and sunglasses, just to avoid the gnats, and I still end up with maybe 30 dead on my clothes. Absolutely beautiful.

So the majority of people here at WSU have chosen to go home for the weekend. I wasn't willing to pay for a $100 train ticket so here I am, with my new friends, the gnats. I was trying to figure out what to do today and so I thought, heck, I'll just go on campus and do my homework outside. I practiced viola for an hour and now I'm sitting underneath a tree writing on, of course, my blog. The only people around here are a few families who have chosen to come visit their kids instead.

I might practice more viola later or I'll find somebody to hang out with, but for now I'll be working on my MCOM notes and maybe I'll read Watchmen.

I have no control of the future

Not such a good day, I suppose one can say.

Over the past few weeks I've been trying to make friends and get acquainted with the campus and my classes, etc. I haven't really made any real lasting friends and it's kind of frustrating to me. In Norway I made friends right away on the first day and I talk to those friends to this day. In fact, I'll be marrying one of them someday. As for my classes here, I'm severely disappointed. The orchestra here is at a lower level than that of my old high school orchestra. My viola lessons are only 30 minutes long. And music theory is much too easy. I thought that orchestra and music weren't that important to me, but I guess if I've learned anything in the last few weeks it's that, yes, being in an orchestra that challenges me is important.



So for now, I'm not only job searching, but I have once again joined the hunt for colleges. I'm considering moving to Norway and studying at Barratt Due or the Music Conservatory in Oslo if I get in. It would, most likely, be the smartest idea financially. It would be kind of expensive living in Oslo, but if I'm living with Anders, we can share the expenses. I know that there is a fee to go study in Norway, but there is a way around that. That would be for me to marry Anders. I would, also, then be eligible for financial aid from the Norwegian government (tuition is free and the government will give me money for living expenses).

The most difficult part to that proposition is the whole family matter. I know I'm young and I know I shouldn't be in a rush. But in my eyes, I will not be missing out on anything if I marry at a young age. They say you just know when you meet the person you're meant to be with. And let me tell you, I knew. Over a year ago. And we promised each other we'd be together someday. Right now is just a waiting period- for Anders to finish up school and for us both to earn enough money to live in the same country.

Money is an issue right now, and one of the main reasons why we're in the tough situation we're in. We cannot afford to visit each other often or go to school in the same country like normal students. Our options are pretty much limited to: get a huge scholarship, win the lottery, or get married and receive financial aid. The last sounds the most realistic to us both.

And while we'd love to have a big wedding and celebration, that just isn't in the budget right now. So we say, why not get married now, stay together in the same country, study at college, get jobs, save up money, and throw a party later- maybe on our 5 year anniversary.

The hardest people to convince of this plan would be my parents. I don't really know, but I think that they're thinking I'd be making a big mistake if I marry Anders so young. I think this stems from my mom and dad's past and the circumstances under which they became a thing.

Anyways, I hope that they can support us if we do decide that getting married young would be the best for us.

I think everyone knows that Anders and I are meant for each other and will one day be married anyway.


And I can tell you, I have thought about this for endless hours and I understand how hard a decision like this can be on a family. Being away from my parents and siblings will be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do, but there's a man I love in this world and I can't imagine my life without him. Visits to the US would be made as frequently as possible, but as students, that might not be very often. It's heartbreaking to leave my parents and siblings, but Anders is my family now and so we'll be one giant family living over 2 continents. We can work it out.

The Cities

This past weekend I spent in the wonderful cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul (plus surrounding areas). I really wanted to see my friend Maren from Norway this past year, but it never seemed to work out- this weekend, however, it did!! After catching a ride from some friends here at Winona, I waited outside of the Mall of America for Corey, Maren's mom, to pick me up. I saw her and we went back to the car and then we'd drive to Maren's swim meet. There was this weird person in the back seat, though and I thought for a moment 'ummm who is this person in the back of the car' then I was like OMG MAREN!!! She and her mom totalllllly surprised me. Dang. But it was awesome. I met Maren's friends and we spent Saturday in Minneapolis hanging out in Uptown and biking around lake Calhoun. It was a beautiful afternoon. Sunday we went to the Minnesota State Fair and I saw cousin Ben. I'm pretty sure he was quite surprised to see me. At the fair we at Calzones on a stick, A bucketful of cookies and lemonade. I bought a pretty necklace and a Norwegian magnet for my fridge. All in all, very fun weekend.

MCOM 100

I had my last 'first class' this evening. The best way to describe it would be: a quaint class of about 432 students in a very personalized lecture format. Wow. Very interesting. Tonight was my first night ever in a class this large, and, in fact, the class I'm in has the largest class enrollment of any class offered at Winona State. I consider myself lucky...

We spent a good portion of the evening talking about personal communication. A little food for thought: The average vocabulary of a high school graduate 30 years ago (16,000 words). The average vocabulary of a high school graduate in current times (9,000) words. Fascinating yet terrifying. We were discussing why this could be. And we figure it is the mass media and communication to blame. We have become so dependent on other means of communication that we as people have actually begun to lose our ability to communicate effectively. Sad.

This class will be a lot of work, but it is totally worth it. I really love learning about this kind of stuff and I could definitely see myself working in this field someday.
Anyways, goodnight!





A little Winona State love

The first day of College Classes

Today was the first day of classes, and let me tell you, it was so easy! My music theory class consisted of taking attendance and filling out a survey and my Math 100 class began with the professor saying this: '10% of the things we will cover in this class you could have done without a problem in the fourth grade.' I don't think i have much to worry about with that class. We covered histograms and scatter plots today, not so hard at all.

Hypnotist

Tonight I went to a hypnotist show. Let me be more specific, a 18 and older hypnotist show... I went with some friends and I sat next to Mark, who specifically told me to wake him up if he got hypnotized. I didn't. And maybe it's karma, but he had to get up and be an exotic dancer for me. He almost gave me a lap dance in his hypnotized state but I screamed and wouldn't let him, it was sooo funny though!

Week Number One... Complete

So I've been out here at Winona for the good part of a week now... Including the crazzzyyy college weekend party life. Well, not to be a downer, but I'm not really into that whole party scene. In fact, last night Chelsea, Mark, and I were walking around Winona, you know, getting acquainted with the town, and we wanted to lay down in the middle of the football field and look at the starts. Well, much to our dismay, the fields were locked, so we walked around and eventually found a spot right next to Winona lake. We lay down on the damp grass and watched the stars (we even think we saw the space station) and we made Mrs. Peck proud... Canis Major, Cassiopeia, etc. While our little star gazing session was going on, almost every party around Winona got busted (the cops were given a grant to have more people on the force out and undercover at parties). This morning, while everyone was sleeping off their hangovers, Annamarie, Chelsea, Mark, and I biked across the Mississippi to Wisconsin. There are some nice trails and a beach there, actually. And Wisconsin is only about a 10 block plus a bridge (about 10 minute) bike ride. Pretty fabulous, actually. Well the plans for this evening include watching part of the volleyball tournament and going to a hypnotist. Classes start on Monday, and I'll update when I get the time.

Tomorrow is the Day

The count down has officially reached zero. I'm all packed up- all of the boxes are in the car. Now I'm just waiting to take off as the sun rises early tomorrow morning. Winona here I come!!!

Today's activites, however, consisted of last minute shopping for laundry detergent, garbage bags and the all imporant underwear and other college necessities. It's kind of strange bumping into friends at Target and knowing that this is the last time you'll see them for a year, or ever. Well as the winds change, so do we all and were all blown in our own seperate ways, and I guess that's a good thing. It'll never be boring. See you soon. Next time from good ole Winona.

One More Day In Mequon

I'm feeling quite strange today. Its a mixture between a bunch of emotions.

1. Excited- I'm finally getting out of this prision environment I've spent 17 years of my life in, which is known to us as the lovely Mequon, Wisconsin. FInally and adult. No more curfews. No more nagging parents. What else could a kid ask for?
2. Nervous- As shit, I must say. I'm leaving pretty much everything I've ever known- Which, I do have to say, I've liked in the past, HELLO Norway? So I have no idea why it's harder for me now. Possibly that I've settled down to the idea that I will be spending the rest of my life with Anders, so there's no like Big Search for me at college. No reason for me to go out and party and get drunk off my ass. Maybe I won't fit in. Then again, maybe I will.
3. Uber Depressed- After tomorrow I won't be able to talk to Anders for about 2 weeks. I'll be beginning my WInona State College Adventures and he'll be off the Poland and Germany once I'm done with my freshman orientation. It's always especially hard for us when we don't talk. We rely so much on each other for support to get through these years apart. I mean, it's so difficult, but it is definitely worth it. I wouldn't wait or be in so much emotional pain for anyone else. He's the love of my life, so I'll wait for him. And not talk to him for a while so we can each take care of what we need to do.
4. Stressed- I'm super stressed lately about money. Though I can afford my first year of college (with the help of scholarships and loans) I still need to find a way to help Anders get $18,000 so he can come study in the US next year. My parents adivse me to not help him out and take care of myself. What they don't realize is that when Anders and I committed ourselves to each other we meant we'd be a team forever. That includes in times of financial crisis. That would be now, and possibly forever if our loans get large enough...
5. Misplaced- My family is hosting a girl from Japan this year and she has now taken over what once was 'the marissa room.' The past few weeks have been filled with emptying out my closet and under the bed and getting EVERYTHING out of my room. It's very strange because I'm losing the idea of living at my parents home. I no longer have a room here, so I guess that means I'm supposed to be up and out on my own. Adios to the comforts of an always full refrigerator or washing machine right down the stairs. Hello to cafeterias and laundromats. Fun. It's so exciting. But so scary. I'm so ready for this new change in my life. I'm getting so bored and that's why I need to get out. It's my life. My life is an adventure. So I'll strap on my seat belt and go for a ride.

my happiness

rational/irrational thinking

I've been going through this struggle for the past few years about religion and what I believe and what I don't believe. It's been a difficult journey that appears so show no end in the near future.

In the past few months, this hole has been forming in my chest, and I don't know what it is coming from... if it's because I am missing all of my friends and the life I had in Norway before, or am I having a difficult time adjusting back to life at home, or am I just unable to have faith in things I can't see?

This is an especially hard time now because my boyfriend lives on a whole different continent than me. I sometimes think it is totally foolish to keep our relationship going, even though I love him so incredibly much. I miss him every day, and in that respect, I guess I've been looking for a god or any kind of hope to help me through the days and months that we are apart. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to hold onto something that now seems so foreign and distant, even though he is the one thing that I want the most in the world, and I can't live without. I fear that since we live so far away from each other, we will drift apart as well. It is scary and it makes me feel so alone.

I guess that in that respect, I've been hoping there is a god, because I don't think I can handle all of this on my own. But as for now, I just can't seem to believe.

Lack of Motivation

Swirling bed sheets that I hide under
Bed too warm for leaving
Lazy eyes when night brings slumber
Silent all through evening

Gentle comfort whose hands embrace
Open pillow whose simple grace
Helps guide my face to find its place
At least through night I’m breathing

two versions of a poem i wrote for anders

Version 1

When I think of you
I feel your shaking hands grab hold of mine
Giving me relief
As I lay hurting in a castle of white beds and bandages
I search your clear blue eyes for any hesitation
In the way you love me
None
The elation overwhelms
And my lungs forget to breathe
I wear a scar on my side as proof that on that day
My soul was sewn together with yours

When I think of you
I smell the sweet dew from that night
We biked and lay in the grass on the side of the road
Where the sky refused to shut its eyes
And succumb
To a blanket of darkness

But now I lay
Under these worn out bed sheets
With cold thighs
Wishing I could feel your pulse drum
Through your hot skin
A quickening rhythm on my back

I want to watch you trace your fingers
Playing connect the dots
On my universe of freckles
I call my body

And after our fun and games
I want to dream beside you
And wake up
Making those dreams come true

But for now
I count the months, minutes, and moments
Watching them slip on by
As I drag my feet through this tough world
Feeling only half a person
Terrified to be alone
I want to make memories
I wish you were here




Version 2

When I think of you
I feel your shaking hands grab hold of mine
Giving me relief
As I lay hurting in a castle of white beds and bandages
I search your clear blue eyes for any hesitation
In the way you love me
None
The elation overwhelms
And my lungs forget to breathe
I wear a scar on my side as proof that on that day
My soul was sewn together with yours

When I think of you
I taste the tangy bubbles of Villa Farris
Dance a doh-see-doh on my tongue
As I chug yet another bottle
Of bubble gum flavored soda

When I think of you
I hear laughter and the chatter of passers-by
While we rest on splintering wood
In the hot sunlight
Between fishing boats
And bug eyed tourists
On aker brygge

When I think of you
I smell the sweet dew from that night
We biked and lay in the grass on the side of the road
Where the sky refused to shut its eyes
And succumb
To a blanket of darkness

When I think of you
I see a future of toothy smiles
And bad hair days
Adorned with milk spills
And screaming children
Yet I set the purest form of happiness
And it is beautiful

Thoughts from a teenage atheist

From the day I was born
White dress, cold water
A child of sin
Every Sunday I listen to the man in a robe
He preaches with passion
Booming voice filled with unworldly wisdom
He lectures on our savior
The lord that will scoop up our souls
And guard them
Safekeeping.

He mentions not what will happen to those
Who sit and ponder silent and alone in the back pew
Drained of faith
But filled with a promise of mankind on earth
Not one of god.

No reason to bury the fear of an inevitable end
Under sacraments and holy confessions
I have no fear, but forever is frightening
I won’t accept and believe
I will question and reject
I don’t believe in your god
Cold ground and decomposition
My future
You may say for not believing
All that waits for me is a
Happily never after
I beg to differ.