rational/irrational thinking

I've been going through this struggle for the past few years about religion and what I believe and what I don't believe. It's been a difficult journey that appears so show no end in the near future.

In the past few months, this hole has been forming in my chest, and I don't know what it is coming from... if it's because I am missing all of my friends and the life I had in Norway before, or am I having a difficult time adjusting back to life at home, or am I just unable to have faith in things I can't see?

This is an especially hard time now because my boyfriend lives on a whole different continent than me. I sometimes think it is totally foolish to keep our relationship going, even though I love him so incredibly much. I miss him every day, and in that respect, I guess I've been looking for a god or any kind of hope to help me through the days and months that we are apart. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to hold onto something that now seems so foreign and distant, even though he is the one thing that I want the most in the world, and I can't live without. I fear that since we live so far away from each other, we will drift apart as well. It is scary and it makes me feel so alone.

I guess that in that respect, I've been hoping there is a god, because I don't think I can handle all of this on my own. But as for now, I just can't seem to believe.