rational/irrational thinking

I've been going through this struggle for the past few years about religion and what I believe and what I don't believe. It's been a difficult journey that appears so show no end in the near future.

In the past few months, this hole has been forming in my chest, and I don't know what it is coming from... if it's because I am missing all of my friends and the life I had in Norway before, or am I having a difficult time adjusting back to life at home, or am I just unable to have faith in things I can't see?

This is an especially hard time now because my boyfriend lives on a whole different continent than me. I sometimes think it is totally foolish to keep our relationship going, even though I love him so incredibly much. I miss him every day, and in that respect, I guess I've been looking for a god or any kind of hope to help me through the days and months that we are apart. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to hold onto something that now seems so foreign and distant, even though he is the one thing that I want the most in the world, and I can't live without. I fear that since we live so far away from each other, we will drift apart as well. It is scary and it makes me feel so alone.

I guess that in that respect, I've been hoping there is a god, because I don't think I can handle all of this on my own. But as for now, I just can't seem to believe.

Lack of Motivation

Swirling bed sheets that I hide under
Bed too warm for leaving
Lazy eyes when night brings slumber
Silent all through evening

Gentle comfort whose hands embrace
Open pillow whose simple grace
Helps guide my face to find its place
At least through night I’m breathing

two versions of a poem i wrote for anders

Version 1

When I think of you
I feel your shaking hands grab hold of mine
Giving me relief
As I lay hurting in a castle of white beds and bandages
I search your clear blue eyes for any hesitation
In the way you love me
None
The elation overwhelms
And my lungs forget to breathe
I wear a scar on my side as proof that on that day
My soul was sewn together with yours

When I think of you
I smell the sweet dew from that night
We biked and lay in the grass on the side of the road
Where the sky refused to shut its eyes
And succumb
To a blanket of darkness

But now I lay
Under these worn out bed sheets
With cold thighs
Wishing I could feel your pulse drum
Through your hot skin
A quickening rhythm on my back

I want to watch you trace your fingers
Playing connect the dots
On my universe of freckles
I call my body

And after our fun and games
I want to dream beside you
And wake up
Making those dreams come true

But for now
I count the months, minutes, and moments
Watching them slip on by
As I drag my feet through this tough world
Feeling only half a person
Terrified to be alone
I want to make memories
I wish you were here




Version 2

When I think of you
I feel your shaking hands grab hold of mine
Giving me relief
As I lay hurting in a castle of white beds and bandages
I search your clear blue eyes for any hesitation
In the way you love me
None
The elation overwhelms
And my lungs forget to breathe
I wear a scar on my side as proof that on that day
My soul was sewn together with yours

When I think of you
I taste the tangy bubbles of Villa Farris
Dance a doh-see-doh on my tongue
As I chug yet another bottle
Of bubble gum flavored soda

When I think of you
I hear laughter and the chatter of passers-by
While we rest on splintering wood
In the hot sunlight
Between fishing boats
And bug eyed tourists
On aker brygge

When I think of you
I smell the sweet dew from that night
We biked and lay in the grass on the side of the road
Where the sky refused to shut its eyes
And succumb
To a blanket of darkness

When I think of you
I see a future of toothy smiles
And bad hair days
Adorned with milk spills
And screaming children
Yet I set the purest form of happiness
And it is beautiful